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By phone: (310) 459-1700
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By email: innerbonding@innerbonding.com

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1144 QUESTION(S)
Question
I have a friend who invited me to several events during this past year. I didn't go to many of them simply because during the school year when I'm working I really limit social engagements because I find them exhausting, parties especially. The last time I said no I said it as kindly as I could, I sent a birthday card in the mail but I knew she would be mad at me and she was. She was really mean to me the next time I saw her. Now she's invited me to another social event and I simply am not interested in responding - even to say no. I don't really want her friendship. But am I being vindictive? This is true in many of my relationships. I can't tell if I simply don't trust the other person or if my wounded self is still acting from hurt feelings.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I NEED HELP!!! I so soooo sick and tired of thinking so much. It's so very bad that I cannot seem to focus on one thing. I can't finish reading a book, I can't seem to study for my tests, and I can't finish cleaning my house. It's driving me totally and absolutely CRAZY!! I don't know how to stop the thinking! When I start one thing, I start thinking about something else that needs to be done and I go and do that. The thoughts are too much and they seem to scream! I worry about other people and what they are thinking or what they may or may not be doing. I tend to think that life is a competition and that I am failing miserably! Any thoughts?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Byron Katie's work challenges our perceptions. I know that her work closely aligns with Inner Bonding. Is it a perception that needs to be challenged if I conclude, based on instinct, interaction and history, that someone isn't trustworthy?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
How do I start to heal my self? How do I love myself? How do I find the happiness that I am so eager for? How do I find the peace that I know I have somewhere inside me?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I just joined this site 2day after reading just about every free article that is posted. I came to this site 4 help, I'm a mess! I am 36 & suffered from depression just about my whole life the last 6 being of the worst. I married someone off of an adrenaline rush, and have been miserable since. I thought having a child 2gether would make it better but only made it more difficult. After 3 years of being miserable I started talking 2 someone else that lead into a relationship- I am in love with this person I know loves me 2- anyway we got caught by his wife & he decided that he owed it to his marriage to give it another chance, & I am truly heart broken but he contacts me constantly telling me that he misses me & he is not happy that he doesn't feel the same 4 her and that he is just trying to figure it all out in his head- asking me for some time so he can find the strength to leave I told him not to leave for me but for himself. Can you help me please?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Where do I start? I am currently in a marriage that I am seriously considering leaving. I know both my wife and I have issues and we have both been in and out of therapy and we are both in 12 step programs, so we have some awareness of the process of growth and healing. Sometime over the last two months my inner child has come up and when he does, there is such a need to want to connect and feel loved. When the feelings come up they are almost overwhelming. I can find myself crying very easily. My wife sees me as being too needy and she will also admit that she cannot express love and I remind her of her father, who feels no emotional attachment to what so ever. Sex has always been a land mine, I want it, because I feel like I can connect with someone, but she is not interested in sex unless I keep bringing it up. I feel like I want to lose myself in the woman I love and give all of myself to her. I know I need to take responsibility for my own healing first. So where so I start.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I just read the article on emotional infidelity and I'm wondering if it applies to me.I'm not that connected with my husband, not on a deep level.He wants to be connected (and I think he believes passionate sex means that we are) but I find it difficult to trust him.I don't journal anymore because my fear is he's going to find my journal and read it and be threatened by what he finds.He has done this before and he's threated by anything that makes him think I'm leaving him.He's also very determined that I work and make money and any indication that I may not be willing to do this (I used to be a stay at home mom) threatens him.I've worked hard to learn how to take care of myself in the marriage and we are often happy together.But I am deeply committed to several friends.One in particular.It's definitely not sexual and it's not even an intense relationship in that I don't see her much, and we talk only occasionally, but I think of her often and when I do I always pray for her.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Over the weekend my 21 year old niece committed suicide. She struggled for years with emotional pain. I am confused why a soul would come to a human experience and struggle with nothing but pain? I'd love any insights that you may have regarding this.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Hi Margaret, I am trying to grieve a relationship that I ended as loving action. I read your article on healthy/ unhealthy grief and relate to having been mostly in my wounded self in the relationship. Unlike the example in your article, I don't think I am stuck in a victim place; mostly I haven't even felt grief, but relief for getting off the sinking ship. But lately, I find myself noticing the lack of this other person in my life-- I don't miss her per se, but miss daily contact with someone, the physical closeness, being 'special' to someone, not being 'alone'... When I do open to missing HER, I run into the wall of frustration I experienced in relationship when I tried to share my love and was met with chaos. I'd like to honor any real love that I did have for this person and to let go of my part of the unhealthy patterns and become a loving adult to myself. Do you have advice on how to go through healthy grief over a mostly unhealthy relationship??
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I recognize that I am stuck in my grief over my two children. They are both adults ages 41 and 43. Having made the decision many years ago to remove myself from them for my own safety and well-being, there are times when the grief is very difficult to deal with. Especially is view of the fact that they have children. My son won't have me involved with his children. My daughter, on the other hand, despite not wanting me around during both of her pregnancies has changed her mind and periodically sends me pictures and cards. My brief attempt at reconciliation with her proved to me that she's no different. She and her husband, are a little more cautious because they know I'll do whatever it takes to take care of myself. In large part, the estrangement involves my ex, their father. Considering they aren't ex's they're my children, what can I do when loving them, means coming to terms with the reality of who they are, loving them anyway, but knowing I may never have them in my life?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
Now that I've figured out that I can't control anyone but myself, I've removed myself from having any further interactions with the offenders. It's been a really long time and I was wondering what would be the clue that it was safe to reconcile. I've already forgiven them, but reconciliation would be a huge step for me to take. It's quite possible that will never happen and although I'd be saddened by that reality, I know I could go on with my life. I suppose I have the idea that things will change, because I know that people change. However, given the way things are I might never see that.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
I am stuck on an issue between my Core self and my Wounded Self. My mother has told me she needs me to stay with her husband for a few days while she goes away. I have a difficult relationship with her and hate being in her house. As I mentioned here before, she is the second coming of Martha Stewart. Everything is perfect. I feel when there like I'm dead or invisible. My Core Self wants to go to help my step father while Mom is gone; she thinks this would be a nice way to spend time with him and be helpful. My Wounded Self is petrified, as last time "we" were there was in the midst of my horrible depression when I woke up every day wishing that I hadn't. It was the worst time of my life, and my Wounded Self keeps trying to tell me that we're going to go back to it if we go to my mother's. My Core Self wants to be loving to my step dad whom we love and who has been very kind throughout my depression illness. Which Self do I listen to, how to connect with Guidance?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret
We use others as a mirror in how we perceive ourselves. Can we ever truly make up for a childhood of "ugly" images of ourselves............a childhood full of physical abuse, emotional abuse, and rejection? Of course we are imperfect.......but we long for someone to overlook our weaknesses and see us with rose colored glasses. Even an experience of God's love can not take away that deep sense of being an ugly duckling among swans. My spouse seems undefeatable because he admits to this complete belief that his mother loved him as he is. I look at the very fallible people I ask to be the judge of my self worth and wonder at my ignorance.........but still the child in me seeks deeply to fill up that hole. And, as I try to give an unconditional love in return, I see I am really trying to prove that unconditional love can exist..........but it does not "pay the price" for unconditional love in return. I understand inner bonding and deeply love God, but am still stuck with this deep wound.
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During August 2006, I consulted a psychic. A part of the reading about me was , "I was out there but not present. I participated in gatherings but not available. I was among people but not with them. There is a Child inside me who is frozen as I had neglected him since I was two yrs old." When I practise IB and am with my IC, present and available for my IC, will this process be extended to my interaction with other people?
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How do you find ways to enjoy yourself when you're by yourself, or when you've finished a long day at work and want to relax, but don't want to watch hours of TV? I keep ending up watching TV for as many as 4 or 6 hours because I'm tired at the end of the work day, but also because I don't know what else to do. I often don't have the energy to drive out after a long day and attend meditation sessions, yoga sessions, etc. Going out also means being organized enough, which I am not, right now. I've been trying to do other things while staying at home than watching TV, but I don't know what would be enjoyable and meaningful, that doesn't demand too much from me. I spend most of my work day at the front of a computer, so entertaining myself at the computer or reading books is not necessarily the best for me! I will confess, my husband habitually watches a lot of TV, and I find I tend to copy his habits, but I'm trying to find other ways to relax myself in the evenings. Natty
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I think I may have a fear of success. Each time I get close to a goal, I lose interest or sabotage myself in some way. Is there a way to overcome this?
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I want to remain open and loving and find it difficult given the family history. It was necessary for me to put up a boundary. How does one accomplish this most challenging task?
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Hi! Have just been reading about Lorna Byrne, from Ireland. She's just written a book called "Angels in My Hair" and it's a bestseller in Ireland. She can actually see angels and communicate with them. It seems we all have them, regardless of our religious leanings. It seems even atheists have them! Could these angels not be what we IB'ers call our Guidance? I was wondering whether the IB community could invite Lorna to host a chat, to talk about her book and share her experiences? Some links: http://www.lornabyrne.com/index.html http://www.telegraph.co.uk/arts/main.jhtml?xml=/arts/2008/07/17/bobyrne117.xml What do you think?
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Just recently I completed reading "Do I have to give up myself to be loved by God". Its a wonderful book,Congratulations!! I loved it. At one point I was in lot of pain internally, and I had the deepest quest to know my false beliefs and my loving action to myself. Around the same time, i was reading that page where you mentioned in the book to create love space and feel the guidance. I had an amazing experience then. I could feel the love which was very soothing and also experience myself holding my inner child within me. For the first time I knew how it felt to be held by loving adult. My tensions were gone then. But, I couldn't experience this feeling again. Did I experience this because i was in lot of hurt and had deep intentions to know at that point. How can I keep this long and lasting? Because every time the feeling to know, understand is not intense. Thanks.
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I was talking to a couple of friends last week and both of them told me that they feel a sense of sadness and loss that they want validation from their partners and they know that they must give it to themselves, but it still hurts when significant others aren't there for us in that way. I can really identify with this feeling they described to me. Even though I understand it's our primary responsibility to validate ourselves...My thoughts were that maybe it's okay to want validation from others, just not to expect it. If your partner isn't able to validate you in a relationship, isn't it taking care of yourself to find loving people who are capable of empathy and validation?
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You advise people to masturbate as a way of taking responsibility for sexual feelings. When I masturbate I often experience ejeculation, but without orgasm. If this happens (and even if it doesn't), I'm often left with flu-like aching symptoms which last for 24-48 hours afterwards, and which can cause me to have to take to my bed. On the few occasions when I've had sex with a partner I've not had this issue. Any idea what might be going on please? Thank you!
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Is it a natural occurrence that one experiences a bit of fear in a new relationship? I expressed before that I have soulfully connected with someone and there are times when I feel a little nervous when I think "what if I lose this person?" Of course I am aware that the universe works perfectly and whatever it does bring forth has divine blessings but I do feel a bit scared at times. I am of course taking responsibility for my feelings and not projecting them. We have both expressed to one another that we have our moments of fear. Any input would be appreciated.
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I don't really get this idea of being 100% responsible for our feelings. For example, if I were neglectful of someone, and they were hurt by my neglect, I certainly wouldn't say, "You need to be responsible for your own feelings." That sounds really cruel. And yet that's the message I get reading these forums... that it shouldn't matter if other people are neglectful of me as long as I know how to take care of myself. So, to give a concrete example of my situation, I recently gave my ex-girlfriend a drawing that took me 15+ hours to make. I was working on it when we went through our breakup and I told her I wanted her to have it. Due to circumstances I had to drop off the gift, and I had no idea if she ever got it. One week went by... and then another... and then another. When I could stand it no longer I emailed her and she replied back by saying that she thinks the gift was beautiful and she will always treasure it. She couldn't have called to say thanks? That's BS.
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I am recalling a lot of incidents which happened in the past in which I felt irritated a lot. Is the only reason I was irritated, the projected anger of my IC at me for not taking care of him?
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I'm running into challenges, as an adult practicing IB, when I'm with my own parents (yes, the dysfunctional ones who didn't know how to care for themselves or me and left me to be abused by my grandmother). My mother is very controlling and maintains everything in her life "perfectly;" she could be the second coming of Martha Stewart. I find myself resisting everything about her even though I know she loves me and that she's not capable of change because it's too dangerous for her. I don't want to pull the scab off. I have wondered at times if I truly love my parents; this makes me feel awful. I feel sentimental about them, but I don't miss them when we are separated or long to be around them. My life seems easier when we're not together too much. I want to forgive and to be loving and to accept them the way they are. My mom IS trying, but it seems surface somehow. Any thoughts? I am a mom myself and want to learn to love my mom even when I don't like her.
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My M-In-Law and F-I-L are separated. My Father-In-Law lives with some other woman. They don't treat me well and I had very bad experience this time when I went to India. My husband wasn't there, so he hasn't seen anything first hand. I live in US. But the problem is that whenever my husband makes a call to his father and also talks to his living partner, I feel awful. I don't feel good. There's lot of negative emotions, anger and hurt, which I find it hard to control. Every weekend when my husband is home, I feel very tense thinking that he'll make a call to his father. His father doesn't talk to me and once slammed down phone on me when i wanted his help. Not sure how to take this in my stride and not fight and react with my husband, when he does make a call to my f-i-l...can you pl. explain how can i best take care of my anger, hurt in this situation. Thanks.
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My boyfriend and i got in an argument last night. I tried my absolute hardest to keep my heart open and not to not control him. I told him i felt like we had a lot of problems and i'd like to discuss some solutions with him. He said " You just seem so distant and don't even seem to care anymore....that's the difference between us - you see all these "problems" and you'll always want to come up with "solutions"...you can't just let go and let the law of attraction bring healing to our relationship...just keep your eye on the horizon - that's what works for me" Am i still trying to control him? I just see a lot of stuff that isn't working for me in the relationship and i WANT to work through it - but he doesn't seem to want to - and i feel like the distance is making it hard for me to be attracted to him enough to care anymore. what do i do!!!!!? Part of me really wants to leave, but i also don't want to end it if i can heal this - we're twins!
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I've just finished a session with an IB facilitator. My father has always had a deep fear of my being gay and so he always felt awkward about showing me any physical affection. As a kid, when I went to him for it he used to tell me things like "you're too old for such things". Now I feel unable to hold my IC and give him any form of physical affection as it feels really yucky. I feel like some kind of pervert. My IC senses my discomfort and as a result, won't let me express any physical affection towards him anyway. What should I do here?
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As I dialogued with my Inner Child today, we began to talk about her horrible fear of physical intimacy with John, my/our husband. We've not had intimacy for about 9 years. Usually when I dialog with my Child I feel pretty well connected to God (my Guide) and can understand the truth He is telling us and the loving actions to take. Usually/often! But with this today when God was telling us that John means no harm, will not hurt us, and just wants to share love with us, my Child became frightened and repelled. I started to feel that I was not the Loving Adult but the Wounded Child/Adult; and I know that won't work. My husband is wonderful but IS needy after so long without intimacy. I know consciously that he will not hurt, invade, or try to possess me. I have adult sexual abuse issues as I have mentioned here before. I can't seem to truly connect with the Child or God on this. Is this something I could address at an IB workshop? I need to save money! Peace.
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Lately, I cannot seem to dialog with my inner child. My boyfriend broke it off with me a couple of weeks ago and I am having a hard time letting him go. i cry so hard and so much everyday. I know that I am afraid of something but I cannot figure out what exactly I am telling myself to make me feel so extremely anxious. Here's the catch. My ex is still coming around as if nothing has happened but continues to remind me that he is single. NOTHING has changed in our relationship besides the fact that he has the title of being single. When he gets on myspace and checks his email I become insecure. I believe that he is moving on with me still around. He still gets the benefits of me but has no commitment. I just realized this. I fear that he will no longer respect me after this. I also feel that's because I am not respecting myself. How do I respect myself in this situation even though I want to restore my relationship with him?
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